Sunday, January 27, 2008

Freedom from Sexual Addiction - God's Mercy on someone shipwrecked through Online Adultery

In Aug. of 1999, my husband, Randy, and I decided to get the Internet. We got it for the kids to do their homework. My mother-in-law had just bought the computer for the kids. From Aug. to the night of Oct. 15, 1999, I was learning to chat, surf the web, ect, but it started to get boring to me. I went back to watching TV. When I was on the Internet, I was careful of not going into chat rooms and causing any problems. I was getting to the place, I rather be off the line, than be on line. Then one night, my (Non-Christian) friend, Sheri called, me and asked me if I would like to meet her on line friend, Frank. I hesitated, but ended up saying, “Yes.” I went on the computer to say hello to him and we chatted. He was very nice he always gave me a reply on everything I said on the buddy chat. Something I always wish people would do for me including my husband, Randy.

At first, it was supposed to be innocent, just sending pictures, friendly cards. There were times; I tried to witness to him. He even asked for my phone number and called me. I believe it that was October 1999. I found out he was Italian. Randy was home, when he called. It was supposed to be a friendly call. The more we chatted on line and the more he called me, the closer we got. Weeks, turned into months, and the more chatting it become. I guess I did something to make him think I was in love with him, because when he called up the second time he asked me if I loved him. Not thinking much of it at the time… I said, “ yes” but I would have to explain my whole past to explain my way of thinking. So, We kept saying I love you a lot on the buddy chat until it was felt in the heart. I also put the computer in my room away from everybody.

I have gotten a job because he asked me to and I started to lose weight for him because I knew we would meet one day. My job was at a dog kennel, which I liked, but there were lots of days I could not function. Days, I would be walking a dog while praying, telling God, I love him and this man too while tears rolled down my face. Days, I would be cleaning out the cat cages and couldn’t wait to get home to chat with Frank. Days, I would be cleaning the outdoor dog cages and my mind would be stirring like crazy. And there was times, I’d grab a cage pole and wish someone would rescue my stirring mind.

We finally made plans to meet in May, but I cancel at the last moment. I felt strangely disturbed. He got upset with me and I did not want to lose the friendship. We made plans again on the phone and I went to see him in June 2000. It was in Albany NY. Once more, I fell in love with him and committed adultery. I was uncomfortable at first and wanted my husband. But as time went by, I went deeper into sin. He even showed me the sites in Albany, NY and took me on a small cruise. I was there for four days. In July, I met him again, committed adultery and stayed four days. I chatted with him until, Oct. 15th, 2001. I have been feeling something inside of me. I couldn’t take the disturbance any longer. The feeling that something is wrong. I had been having it for a while. I told Frank goodbye and started to seek God once more.

Before I met Frank, I have been in Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) for four years. Now why would a Christian fall into the hands of Satan? How could a person turn away from God? How can a Godly person do an ungodly thing? They were so many unanswered questions but after a years time I am getting some answers. Let me tell you how I crawled out of Satan’s pit…..

I still had my job and I still wasn’t functioning. My sister told me to praise God that I still had a job and go forward, but in my head, I did not see that. I tried praising God. I carry a Walkman to work and to listen to Christian music and Christian stations, but Satan was in my head also conflicting everything I did. I just could not function. All I saw was…

“”How could I do this to my husband and two children?”" “”I am a Christian, Christians don’t do this!”" “”How dare I?”" Things like these came into my mind and many times suicide did too. I was mad and sometimes I wanted to get even. Frank had bought me two nice wine glasses that had some the color red in them. I got up early one morning, went to the cabinet, got them out, went outside into the pasture, and broke them against a tree.

Everyday, except Sunday I went to the kennel to work. Everyday, I could not see past my nose. Thoughts of suicide were consuming me more and more. I made a doctor appointment with a doctor I did not know in a city near us. Then I woke up one Friday morning, I called in sick. I went to my mother’s house, snuck in and took her sleeping pills. I went to the doctor I made an appointment with and got more sleeping pills. Plus I had some already at home prescribed by another doctor. Then I went home, wrote {goodbye, love} notes to my husband, kids, sister and parents. Took three bottles of sleeping pills around noon, I think. I laid down in my bed and went to sleep. They had the rescue people coming to get me around 6 PM. One of my lungs had collapsed. I spent 4 days in a hospital and 8 days in mental hospital. I remember nothing at the hospital, but at the mental hospital is where I started the healing process. There at the hospital, I had the biggest headache ever! A migraine that lasted four days!

My parents came most of the time to see me in the mental hospital, but my sister came a few times, brother-in-law once. My sister told me what happened while I was at the other hospital. But I think I can explain it better by her journal….

“”Well, Fri., 2/9/2001 - We were at Church (7:00) for the TLW. Wanda and family had not shown up. So I called Mom’s at 7:15 PM to see if they were there at their house. Dad answered the phone and said Scarlett was on the other line saying Wanda had been rushed to the hospital cause they couldn’t wake her up. Paul and I rushed to the hospital with mom and dad close behind us and we left our kids at church. Well, about midnight or so, we were told she overdosed. We were shocked! I screamed, NO! I went crazy, screaming and crying to God, Why?!!! No, God, No. Laura, Paul, held to me and cried to comfort me. I was on my face. Paul and I went to her house (2:00 am) to see if we could find evidence of drug overdose. We found, empty bottles, drug receipts, doctor receipts. All made during that week. Also a beer can she used to take the pills. Then I found a balled up letter in the trash to me. “”Oh God!”" I felt and screamed! Paul cried with me. I don’t remember much after that. I went to her bathroom and got sick. Paul and I got back to the hospital (about 4:00am.) I read the letter to mom, dad and Randy. And we all sobbed profusely. 4:30 am, we went with Wanda to ICU. She was in critical condition and not expected to live past the first 24 hours. They said her heart world probably go crazy or stop. She would probably be a vegetable from lack of oxygen, (her lung collapsed from vomiting while she was asleep and then inhaled it into her lungs). Her organs might shut down, ect. Once she made it through the first 24 hours, they said she might die the next 24 hours. Me, mom, dad, Paul and Randy slept on the N.I.C.U. (concrete) floor every night, waiting and praying, crying, praying - Oh, dear God, What’s going on? We’re all exhausted. After 48 hours the odds looked better. We claimed healing for Wanda. On Sunday, 2/11/2001 at 7:30 am, Donna, Wanda’s nurse came out and said at 6:00am Wanda opened her eyes for a second and followed some commands a little. We all cried profusely again! Thanking God over and over. Now we were awaiting tests to let us know if Wanda would be normal again, or remain a vegetable. Slowly the tests came back 1 by 1, and each showed there was no permanent brain damage. We shouted with Thanks to God again crying all the more. We are all now past exhaustion!! 2/16 - Wanda would sometimes squeeze my hand when I asked her to. My dad was a mess by this time! Now wants to take her home and lavish her with gifts, ect. He thinks he can make up for four years of mistakes in a few years of time. He disregards the nurse and doctor’s requests because he wants her to go home. He wants all this nightmare to go away. Once they took the tubes out of Wanda’s mouth and nose, she tried to whisper to us, we couldn’t understand and we cried and cried. Each day, she made more progress. On Tuesday Night. Randy and I took her to Holly Hill, straight from Wake Med. She is still there today. Yesterday, the counselor told Randy and I that she has now been diagnosed with Bi-Polar. The doctor says it’s a chemical imbalance in the brain, and it’s easily treated with medicines. They’ve already started her on it. Dear God, Please show me the details on this disease. Give me an understanding of this and help the medicine to work quickly. I rebuke Satan from casting any other diseases or chemical imbalance on my family. Bind Satan and his work up. Cast him under the sea. Father, I want to write more about how I feel now, but I so tired … I Love You - Marti Feb 18, 2001 - Sun. 10:26 PM - I continue to visit daily at Holly Hill. My emotions are upheaval although the joy of you sparing her life, override all else. Today was my first day back to church service. I praised you for your almighty deeds and works of healing you have given graciously to my family … Thank You Lord Jesus”"

Now I will quote to you what my brother-in-law (Paul) said that happen to him while they was waiting and praying… “”It was about 4:30am that Sat (2/10/2001). The family had just been moved up to the ICU waiting room. The lights were off and there were s few people on floors and propped up in the chairs, trying to sleep. We took our place in some chairs with blankets and we all just cried. Paul got to sobbing loudly and then began to shake; he stopped crying and got real quiet. Marti asked, “”Are you OK?”" He said, “”I just felt the presence of the Holy Spirit come all over me.”" He told Marti “”Wanda is gonna live.”" He got up and went into the bathroom and as he got he got in there, his hands went up and started praising the God. When He came out of the bathroom, he saw an evil presence leave through the double doors and he saw peace come in.”"

Since I been home from the mental hospital, I been putting my life back together. My family was upset with me and I ask them for forgiveness. I told my husband the whole truth, because by God’s law he can throw me out of the house for adultery and I wanted to give him that right. But I did come down on my knees and ask him for forgiveness and he did. It was rocky at first but by God’s grace we had made it this year. God can put a marriage back together again.

My mind was still spinning for a while, but God was helping me to come out of it slowly. I believe so I can understand each thing he was trying to tell me. I didn’t go back into Bible Study Fellowship, but enrolled in Joy Of Living, that was held in my own church. Where I started to heal also. It is just like BSF but it easier for me since I learn at a slower pace so it was easier for me to grasp. In this 2001 - 2002 year class we studied II Samuel and Psalms and through David I learned that I am a sinner and I am forgiven just like David. He committed sins like I did. Who could say we committed worst sins or point fingers. We all are sinners God measures them the same. God has forgiven me and I forgiven myself. It taken me a little while, but now it is in the past, and there where it lays. I have been to counselors, but they drove me more crazy, so I quit going. God is the answer for me and to seek what he has to say.

Once I got out of the hospital, I did not want to sin again, ever! I wanted to be perfect. Watch the right shows, which wasn’t many. Make the house perfect. Make sure the kids was perfect. I drove the family crazy. I surely didn’t win them back that way. Then I went back into my old nature and started watching TV, but God didn’t let me stop there either. I still wanted to do what was right, so I kept trying even if I failed. It had been a year since I dropped the guy. A year since I worked any job. I couldn’t work at what reminded me of what I done, so I quit the kennel. I had a year of good bible study that was on David. A year of healing, crying, hurting, wanting to throw something, but hey don’t we all feel like that sometimes? All we need to do get out of bed and ask the Lord to get us moving and help us to make it though the day. We going to fall, but God love us anyway. By the Grace of God, he loves us! We live in a world that causes us to struggle with every step we take, but keep holding the hand of God. Don’t let it go. Take time out for God. I never learned that when I was saved at 13 years old. Getting saved is all I knew, but it doesn’t stop there. Having bible time everyday doesn’t stop there. It’s applying it to your life and having a real relationship with God. I have enjoyed reading “”Lord, Give Me Grace To Make It”" and “”The Power Of A Praying Wife”" and there are many books out there to help us take a step at a time, at the right time for us.

Today is June 23, 2002… And in two days I have written this testimony. I would like to tell you, that I have been blessed. I still have my family. I still have a home. My husband, children, sister and family, parents, friends! Who still loves me. My old car had broken down and through my father God blessed me with a new car. My father surprised me with it a few weeks ago. My parents paid for some dentist work that I needed. They didn’t have to do this. God knew what I needed and by God’s grace, I was blessed. I can see my son play basketball. Watch them as life goes on. As we hold our children’s hand to help them to grow. Hold God’s hand so he can help you to grow spiritually.

As I look back God has had his hand on me the whole time. I was saved at 13, like I said. God wasn’t going to let me go. I just needed to grow up spiritually, and to find out that I had a chemical imbalance. There I lay in Holly Hill hospital. At first I did not want to be there. I laid there in my bed with that headache, looking at the curtains, asking God “”Why? I kept asking why? I had a searching heart. There was a nurse there that was a Christian and let me borrow a book that helped me some. Then when I heard what my sister and brother-in-law said, I knew God was at work. But I had to do a lot of healing and God was with me step by step. Doing the bible study and getting a lot of junk out of me has helped. We all can be saved, but if we need to see the world through God’s eyes we need to be crushed to be weaken so then we can be strong. 1 CO. 12:10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

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